On RECOVERY
If there was one thing, I wish I knew earlier on in life, it’s that my eating disorder was not the problem, it was the solution to a problem.
Beneath our behaviour around food lies a root cause because the way we use food (whether eating too much or too little) helps us deal with something in our lives. For me, this root cause changed over the years but I see clearly how my behaviour around food always acted as a symptom that something was not quite right with my life.
My bulimia began as a way to fill a void that my skating left in my life. The joy, fulfilment and sense of purpose it gave me was gone and I reached for food to fill that void. That void is never a physical hunger and so food will never satisfy it, no amount ever will.
This took me a very long time to understand. And it is only my experience, but I strongly believe that beneath someones disordered eating patterns (or any addictive habit) lies a person hungry for more meaning in their life….and at the core, is a person forever starving for their own love and acceptance.
I still feel the need to share pieces of my story and what helped me along the way. I still feel the need to do what I can to help others navigating this tricky, long, winding, difficult and lonely road. So I created the list below…
It’s hard to leave a place you love yet at the same time thats the best way to leave things; in full appreciation of them, but it was a comfort zone and I once had someone say to me “nothing good comes from our comfort zones” and I agree. It’s scary to push past them, to step into the unknown - but its in that space where new things are made, and where (I like to think) the magic happens.
I took some time to reflect on my own “self-care tool kit” recently and I thought I’d share some tools that I’m using right now that are perhaps new to you or a little untraditional. They might not be things you think of when you think “Self-Care” but the whole point of self-care to make it unique to you!
Imagine being born with an instruction manual? A blueprint which informed you on how to best use and exchange your energy to efficiently get where you want to go in life? Human Design is that blueprint.
I had a messed up relationship with “exercise” for many years. I ONLY saw it as a means to lose weight, to sweat off weight or to punish myself after a binge (there’s actually a form of bulimia called “Exercise Bulimia”)⠀I hated it. I remember not allowing myself to get off the elliptical until I’d hit a certain amount of calories…
We have to belong to ourselves in order to feel that we belong anywhere. We have to accept these parts of ourselves before we can allow anyone else to accept them. It begins with you - it begins with your own love. Your own love, your own approval, your own acknowledgement, your own acceptance …these are the things that will help spark the depth of connection we so desperately need to heal.
It takes so much strength and courage to sit with ourselves when it hurts, but our hearts are desperately needing this attention from us. Give yourself the love you’re denying yourself…sit with your pain, sit through the discomfort, sit through the anxiety, the frustration and the fear – you will make it through the other side.
Our feelings cannot hurt us, but our refusal to feel them will. Have the courage to sit with your heart….this is how we begin to heal.
The change we ere always seeking doesn’t happen overnight, it happens in each small decision we make. The micro-moments, the split-second decision in which we choose differently. Small moments, small wins, seemingly insignificant choices start to add up. This is how we begin to change.
The battle to get better is between these two selves. No one else can make you get better, the healthy self is ultimately who will heal you.
Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness - a fact not many know. This illness affects so many people (not just teen girls) and the more light we can shed on the topic, the less shame all those that suffer will feel.
